The Thermostat
Devon Harris
When I was a child, my need for accuracy was often held against me. I was called pedantic. Difficult. Annoying.
I learned, the way children do, that this part of me was a problem. So later in life, I worked on it. I let go of precision and changed who I was to be more palatable to the people around me.
What I now refer to as “fit for human consumption.” As if I wasn’t before.
After a degree in Youth Studies and a decade of working directly with young people, my son was born. Early on, I could see in him that same need to be precise, to have things properly named, and for correcting small errors.
But this time I had a different philosophy, a new language, and the lived experience to know what was at stake. So I chose to honour this “perfectionism” rather than fix it.
What followed was all sorts of wonderful.
His perfectionism became a thermostat. When he was settled, safe and secure, his desire to perfect his drawings, his sentences, my sentences, was delightful and functional. A native, intelligent love of accuracy that produced careful, beautiful work.
But when something was off, if he was overwhelmed from a huge day, or there was a need that was not being adequately met, or when feelings had piled up without time and space to express them properly, that trait would shift in texture.
An urgency would appear, and repetitiveness or rigidity would emerge. The drawing had to be redone from the start, then redone again, or he’d refuse to put pen to paper at all saying “I can’t.”
The trait had not changed. The conditions had.
This is the distinction I now spend my professional life helping parents see. Perfectionism in a gifted child is not one thing. It is two.
There is the trait. The genuine, native gifted love of precision, accuracy, and completion. This is to be welcomed, celebrated and stewarded, the way you would welcome other traits your child arrives with.
And there is the strategy. The way the trait gets recruited by the child to meet their own safety and attachment needs when those needs are not being met for them. The urgency. The rigidity. The mountains of screwed up paper on the floor. This is a signal. It's our child madly waving a flag asking for our help.
Children do not develop this strategy if they do not need it. They are not being difficult, or anxious, or fragile. They are reaching for safety with the only tool they have.
What this means for parents (and for the practitioners who guide them) is that perfectionism is not always the thing to address. What we need to look at is the conditions that made the strategy necessary.
When safety is restored and attachment needs are adequately met, the strategy retires itself. The trait remains in its delightful and functional form, and our child does not have to lose a part of themselves to be okay.
This is also why I moved my work, years ago, away from working directly with children and to working exclusively with parents. Children recover inside relationships (a truth Gordon Neufeld has spent decades articulating) and attachment wiring means the relationship that matters most is the one the child already has. A profession cannot build in an hour a week what the parent already has, so my work is to equip parents with the understanding and the tools to read the thermostat accurately, and meet the needs underneath.
This is what makes our parenting land in the ways that truly count. Getting an accurate read. The willingness to ask, what is my child telling me right now? The courage to meet what we find.
For my son, I didn’t fix him, I learnt to read him. The thermostat told me what I needed to know.
When I think of the child I was, and of the well-meaning adults who tried to correct the parts of me that they did not understand, I can see that they were not unkind. They were doing what the culture had taught them to do. But the cost of that correction was real (what Gabor Maté would call the trade of authenticity for attachment), and it took a hot minute to find my way back.
My son will not have to find his way back. For the most part, he has been welcomed, exactly as he is, from the start. And his perfectionism, that beautiful, intelligent, sometimes inconvenient love of getting it right, has become one of his most reliable guides.
It is mine, too.
This piece is informed by the work of Aletha Solter (Aware Parenting Institute), Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Maté, and the broader gifted education field. I am indebted to these thinkers and to the parents I work alongside daily.
Devon Harris is a parenting coach, writer, and the founder of Gifted Parenting. She works exclusively with parents of gifted children, drawing on Aware Parenting, attachment theory, and her own ongoing experience of raising a gifted child. She lives and works on Dja Dja Wurrung country in regional Victoria.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the AAEGT.
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